THE SPACE BETWEEN

  Today, for reason unknown my laptop just  wouldn’t start. Grrrr… I hope later I will find someone who can diagnose the problem. I cannot live without it, and the thought that I won’t be able to upload new songs for my IPOD  any time soon just spells D-i-s-a-s-t-e-r.

  I am certainly missing the blogosphere. I miss reading hopedieslast and havent-got-a-prayer. I need some inspiration to ingest some worthwhile content to future entries. Now that the weather becomes even more burdensome  staying indoors with a lappie is a great help.

    Definitely, time flies. And I am glad that I am able to lift myself up before I completely lose track. The past few weeks had been a rollercoaster ride. I’ve come in and out of the pouring rain, ( methaphorically). Now I found the shelter to take me in for the new adventure that lies ahead.

  Certainly, I’ve hit some chords and had lots of turbulence and the knit still won’t forget the changes I chose to avail for myself. But, I am 25 now. I am no longer the little girl who always says “yes” to everyone. I am not perfect. Nobody is. Before I please others, can I please myself first?

“…make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

via justlia

   These past few days coming home and lying down in my bed  has never been this exciting. I found something worth coming home to after a long day. The room being occupied by a single soul the space seems big enough to accomodate my thoughts and myself. Out of nowhere I decided to visit youtube and type in the person who became a big part of my life. And “voila” a thousand video links appeared. My eyes popped out in disbelief seeing how much I missed.

      I knew he became part of this new super-band called TINTED WINDOWS. I’ve seen him play with them on yahoomusic but after that I never had the interest to visit him again only until a few days ago. Yeah he’s married ( that sucks! ) and has four kids( that sucks even more! )  mmmbopping with them in shows. Although I love the name “Natalie” it irritates me a bit now because he’s married to one. What to do, after ten years plus since he came into my life I still adore him like the first day.

   After I’m done with all the mundane chores I hurriedly climb into my bed like a  sweet surrender. Seeing him with mustache that makes him more sexy and  his voice more defined I can’t help but daydream the obsessive days of being their number one fan.

    Way back in highschool I can still vividly remember how I managed to fly from school to our house just to catch their interviews and appearances  in MTV. I made all the excuses to be home ASAP  and not stay much longer for chitchat. There in the most comfortable place in the living room I will sit  without blinking while recording the interview which I will watch ’til I memorize every single word he said. “I will always be in love with him. No. Matter. What”, - my biggest realization that day.

     I stayed late last night watching Middle of Nowhere Acoustic. Damn, I fell in love even harder. He and his brothers are just genius musicians but sadly underrated. I wonder why radio play bullshit songs now and not theirs? Watching also the strong enough to break documentary just embarrassed me even more thinking how little effort I did to keep up with them. I even failed to see their  one-time concert back in Manila because I was so occupied with hotel work but managed to see Avril. Shame on me!

   And just seeing how glorious their acoustic performance had been I can’t help but tear-up a little. Ten years ago I listen to their songs like its my bread and butter. I fought with my classmates when they try to compare them with the stupid and ugly trying-hard  brothers in a band from Tennessee, and I spent so little from my allowance so I can buy imported TigerBeat and Entertainment Weekly. I worship him while  singing ” I will marry Taylor, the man of my dreams”.

      Now he’s 26 and still freaking gorgeous. While their music evolved quite tremendously. His brothers were still brilliant and just amazing people. Now I feel really jealous about their wives. Lucky bitches. ( sorry…)

     I can’t get enough listening to “breaktown”, “my own sweet time” and ” every word”. Unfortunately I can only watch them on youtube and cannot be downloaded on Limewire. Oh well, better stick to Itunes and pay.

  No doubt,  I am known as “Hanson’s number one” back in highschool and proud of it. I don’t care, you can laugh as much as you want reading this post. I swear to my grave I will come and visit them in Tulsa before I pass. Now I sound morbid. No amount of Jonas brothers can can surmount the musical talent of Hanson. And no man can ever replace Taylor in my heart. Time and time again, I still whisper to the wind to make this dream come true . Just how adorable to have  my kids having hair as blonde as Tay and their eyes as blue like the sky. ( Huhuhu…)

  Forgive me, I’m just  happy being my 14-year old self again.

Two weeks passed and she reappeared, but this time she was wearing the smile she once held back at me. As if she surrendered and he already proclaimed  his love  to the world  there’s nothing left to hide.

   Three days ago she was wearing white skimpy trousers and a flower top with a shade of yellow. I could fathom that she’s living with him already. Unlike before she used to take the secret chamber. But  now  that things have changed she holds her head high two inches taller as  she glides with glee  in  the shiny pavement of the marble lobby. “Click, clack, click , clack” the heels spoke. She wears designer shoes, I could tell.

   Today she walks right in and I just stopped and stare nonchalant without the intention of being caught how I managed to examine her look in an instant. With the messy hair pulled up with several bobby pins, a gray poncho in the heat of summer, worn-out jeans and face all-dolled up she was hurrying up for work. She slid right through the yellow car that she parked just across. It took awhile before she started the engine. As I observed how she managed to drive the wheel from afar I hardly noticed that time has passed.

    According to source it was confirmed they eloped. No boundaries whatsoever to hinder the passion. I haven’t seen him though since the last time. That time he asked for his mails,  and that was it. I wonder what it feels like for him. What’s inside. What made him took the biggest leap and put it out there so confidently? He’s in love. He is. Just like that. As simple as that. And its just so confusing for me. Others get lucky while some has to work on their “faith”.

    *****

    No walls too high to climb. Nobody can stop him from chasing  her  even when everyone’s been telling him how foolish he’s become. He just doesn’t care. Even when there’s another freak standing nearby also aiming for the mere scrap of attention she could possibly give. It’s better than nothing, they both say. While she keeps herself free. They live vicariously for her. While she lives her life in full spin covered up with cotton candy with her head just as hard as concrete , and you can tell she braces with air like she’s flying in cloud number nine all the time. Like them, she just doesn’t care.

*****

    The two cities who hovers with new condition affecting the rest of us, and like leeches sucking blood they grew with regret. As the due comes in and the pressure getting stronger let’s wait when they hatched from the nest. Life-changing in a blink of an eye.  They get yelled at but still persevere. Nothing can stop them from reaching the stars to give their muse the light of day.

   The  green-eyed monster creeps in every night. He knocks and slams the door when the velvet sky turn grey. The roosters they never sleep so I covered my ears and the only light in the room is the scented candle from last year.

I was thinking to blog in my blogspot but ended up here. For some reason, I just thought that I deserve to broadcast my thoughts and feelings especially when they are positive. Sure, I get my fair share of bad days and the best remedy is watching “How I met Your Mother”  on Youtube or  get on some compulsive shopping down the bookstore.

 Lately,I’ve been feeling psyched about the nature of some things. Well, I can control my mind, right? everyone can. I am wishing that the reason of my being happy is here to stay…

I just loooove the way it feels and how it magically draw a beautiful smile on my face in an instant… God… make it real this time!

I guess I am never good at forgetting. Even the tiniest details I can totally recall. Sometimes the emotions go strongly with it, yet there were times when I just feel icy cold or nonchalant.

      I can dig deeper but the hole is just enough with my arm’s reach. Patience or rather prudence when I feel no longer comfortable I settle. Those people with the mental capacity as mine tend to warn me. My unconventional friend told me today to just speak up and express my point. I was thinking to raise my discomfort but I took it back. She said it won’t make things easier.  Cowardice not martyrdom. Been in the pit hole for so long, why can’t I just speak my mind? It used to come so easy during my younger life but now that the spaces of the universe became more and more extravagant I just have the inkling to be unrelentless and “mediocre”. ( I just hate that word, really…).

   And so I try to look for inspirations. It used to come handy. But now I need to have a bigger set of eyes and a bigger brain to appreciate the goodness I see everywhere. I know I am still idealistic, I just can’t help it. Growing up, I always have a full list of people I look up to. Now at this age, I can only count with my fingers. And it’s bad news for me.

   I look at them with envy. Their giggles in the hallway, their sweet-tooth smile and funny gestures and tiny sizes I want to squeeze them with my hands. They parade their latest gadgets and when they fail to get what they want they scream and I get scared the mirrors all over me will just break. But I still look at them with envy. 

   Their eyes from blue to hazel and their hair with hightlights by birth, tell me how can I resist? They don’t worry about this recession-thing, the diminishing returns, the fall of financial empires, the war,  the next American idol or is it Izzie or George who’s going to die in the season Finale of Grey’s Anatomy?  I want to be Sophia of Luca. I want to be a toddler again! Things were so simple way back then. But now that I am an adult,  responsibilty comes in full spin.

  I guess in order for me to survive or to succeed in this come-and-inspire-me-kind-of- chase I should just  be simple in setting standards in things or events that could be considered inspiring.

   The mere fact that somebody did not forget to give his warm regards to me even when we’re  seven seas apart, the curly blond who smiled at me, the stranger who called me by my first name, and even my newly-renewed positive disposition in life should somehow be sufficient to keep me going.

    I am never good at forgetting. Hurt me and smash me into pieces and you will hear my intricate blow-by-blow narration of how you did it. I will really find it hard to trust you again. On the lighter note, treat me like a queen when I’m PMS-ing then  maybe I will bake some cookies for you the next time we meet.

   If only we can just erase the unplesant things that are stored in the long term memory bank.,and just stick to the short term memory of daily bliss…

    It’s not cowardice or fear that stops me from speaking the truth or for standing up to get what I want sometimes I still see it as another benevolent act of sacrifice. Well, I think so in some limit.

   But for now, I just want to remain feeling good about everything. No space for worries.

 For my other friends who vist me on spunknsparkle, ( my blogspot) I decided to cut it for a while. There’s just so many things running inside my mind that I don’t want to share. The nature being too personal I just don’t want to get myself in trouble.

   I as I continue to be an observer for the time being, rather than being the usual “do-er” I chose to be passive. Sometimes when you talk too much, move too much, or just being too much, priorities being the “priority” becomes the last thing on my mind otherwise. So I keep my cool and see where it takes me.

  Work continues to spiral like a game I know how to play even with my eyes closed. The voices of the people I get to see everyday form like a devout vision of my humble beginnings. It mellows me down in ways ineffable. And when the going gets tough I tend to be the better person and draw circles ’round my head that this is just another transitory state. Oh my. Just another day passing by, slipping through my fingers in the sands of time.

    The weather drags me like a broken record. I had insomnia. So when the hour of five and six before the sun sets my energy just drops in dangerous level. I get used to taking panadol a.k.a. advil ( in the philippines / america) or chilled diet cokes just to get through the day. But I love the burning sensation of summer in the Middle East rather than the cold spell of Winter during its most cruelest state in December. Frost bites and back pains and my never-ending charade to cover myself up with a fleece blanket or two is just misery for me. Fashion in winter is fabulous though  but just simply too difficult to handle by my fragile body. Being too skinny for now just get my mind blowing if I might break or fly with a slight change in temperature.

Tremendous changes had inflicted me, I suppose.

  Love, aha the least favorite subject of mine. Unbelievable. I loaded my gun but the felon was just too strong for me. Like Manny I was knocked out like a defenseless Hatton in the ring. Regrets? none. Why should I waste my time contemplating for the battles I took and learned and sculptured now in my life analogy for the rest of my life. I know whatever decisions I took childish or mature I don’t want to look back with a frown. Life is a great teacher. She gives you the exam first and the lesson later. It sucks I know. Hope I can help if I know how to cheat.

   The other night I saw this guy coming out from the lift with his girlfriend. I knew him for more than a year now. He wears his usual ghetto and that just mesmerizes me like cotton. The girl was familiar. There were three consecutive nights I caught her walking rapidly towards the door without the intention of looking past at me. Anyway, maybe she works in the spa I immediately concluded. Then I saw her with him. What a shock. So this is “her”. 

I cannot say much. And I have no authority to question his taste. I have high respects for him. It just puzzles me a bit. Then later that night as I do my usual date with the mirror removing my make-up I  had an instant realization. I was right. He was wrong. The flame that I fought for the longest time with all my energy then drastically fail eventually was his choice from the very beginning. This world is not for the light-hearted I am telling you. Good girls should be strong too otherwise when the bad guys come to sweep you off your feet for their own selfish intentions you might find yourself in the brink of hopelessness. The point I am trying to make is that in Love there is a choice really. There is no such thing as “impossible”. Everything is possible because love alone is just a very powerful tool. Like an incurable  disease,  now I call it when the cupids arrow hits you bullseye there’s nothing you can’t do.

So he chose her. And the flame chose a truckload of her kind I believe. Innocent-looking, glass-hour figured creatures wearing black and speaks two other languages. It used to bring tears in my eyes with the thought crossing by that he is happy with her. But why torture myself when there’s a million possibilities out there for me?

I let go. I pulled out the trigger of my gun and wipe the dirty blood flowing right and left.
And then they flew to Germany via Lufthansa. I was just guessing.( hehehe)

  And today is Thursday. I saw the soft (contraditory of his physique becasuse he looks like a professional wrestler ) smile of Mr. M waving at me asking if tonight I can go out for some tequila shots. I don’t have the Friday off but I will be working night shifts so no problem if decide to go. The only things that stops me is the lack of mood to  be festive. I need the company of my female friends. But since most of them have their concreate and distict idea of a weekend I cannot just pull them in mine. It’s hard and unpredictable predicament that I am getting used to.

I would like to thank my one year old DELL, my dear-laptop for always being there for me.

Lovers come and go, but a good lappy and an excellent internet connection won’t leave me unsatisfied…

See you all in my next post!

Ciao!!!

  I was thinking to close this account. I am more of a Blogger-slash-Tumblr kinda girl. ‘hope the friendster world or the facebook era is aware of these two blog sites I am so fascinated about.

   it’s not because I don’t get too much excited with connections and stuff, I guess for someone like me I want some deeper connection like what a particular blog offers. I enjoy reading posts. I love reblogging other people’s posts and most of all commenting on their work. I can stay all day just blogging. It’s like spending one whole day inside Borders or Powerbooks and I will not complain.

    So, as I’ve said I was thinking to delete this account. I don’t find any sort of purpose about it. I guess it differs upon the individual for what kind of purpose such account serve to his/her esteem.  Because, in my case I prefer blogging.

   I don’t have all the studio-perfect photos. I don’t update my account every week for all the heck that happened to me. For me, there is so much depth in blogging. So my deepest apology to those who get disappointed  looking and browsing in my profile, and worse waiting for my invitation approval that might take a decade before I send a reply. I’m sorry. Just drop by my blogsite and your effort will be more appreciated.

   For now, I will hang on to this tiny thread of keeping this friendster, just so I know what my friends are up to. But to find more reasons to love me or hate me… ah.. this isn’t the best place…

’til next time!

Loveyall!!!